Cover Me

I LOVE VALENTINE'S DAY!! Way too much for a single lady.  But man I love it, I was gathering my cards and addressing them the other morning and did a quick check of the paper for one customer.  I had done the same thing around Christmastime, because I'd gotten really lax with checking the paper everyday.  I knew this day was going to come, I knew when his daughter told me a different story than he did when she returned my Tupperware, but you hope and you pray but the inevitable will happen.  With that I began thinking back over my time getting to serve him as his "sales lady Angie," and aside from daughter and mom, it's my favorite title so far.

"So encourage each other and build each other up...." I Thessalonians 5:11

I first met Fred in 2013.  I sold him, okay he knew the owner, I showed him how to operate his 2013 Equinox and did some paperwork.  He'd come in from time to time to get a quick lesson, or when the time changed, or for whatever else he needed.  His trips became more frequent after his wife passed away.  I got to be the jerk that asked January of 2014 if he and his wife had a good holiday.  I felt like an idiot.  But Fred kept stopping by, after the Y, or getting groceries.  We'd chat.  He told me Pastor Hollis once did a conference for John Deere in LAS VEGAS.  A detail my parents left out.  They were all shocked he'd even go to Las Vegas and I almost called Fred a liar.  He'd talk about getting to go to a high school reunion, he brought his friend one time.  He sent his other friends too.   He stopped in for a cup of coffee and I sat down with him each time. Sometimes I got funny looks from sales managers, but those changed after the first few times.  They also never came from the ones that mattered, those guys would smile and walk by.  I always said if I was too busy to sit down with Fred and have a cup of coffee I was too busy.  One thing is for sure, Dean could tell me my buddy was there, and I lit up and dropped what I was doing every time.  

Last Valentine's Day I had a decision to make, it would have been my first Valentine's Day remarried, it was not.  I could be bitter.  That was definitely a choice I could've made.  I'm so thankful I didn't.  I got up that morning and I needed a screwdriver so I finally unwrapped one that was in my desk since Christmas of the previous year.  One car sold, then another, then another.  First hat trick.  It's where my lucky screwdriver and I first began.  He's a gem and likely the one.  After work I had to run by and stick a Valentine under someone's windshield wiper before I went home to third wheel my roommates Valentine's Day dinner and then ultimately settle in to watch some NASCAR.  I felt like such a rebel sneaking around a retirement home parking lot so I could bless someone.  By far the greatest Valentine's Day I'll ever experience.  I got to do what I love, and serve someone other than myself.  Then on Monday I was sitting in my office and got a call from Fred.  I won't ever forget it.  I mean I've forgotten what he said but not his tone.   His voice oozed with joy as he thanked me.  It was by far the coolest thing I had ever done for another human being.  And really, it's nothing compared to what I've received from Fred.

Fred had a unique way of walking in for coffee right when I needed the encouragement.  He and the Holy Spirit were apparently pretty chummy.  I'll never forget this one night, there were many, but this one.  It was after this super victorious Valentine's Day even but there I was wide awake in the middle of the night just sobbing.  I knew God was sovereign, I knew he kept us here for the stellar year we experienced, Bailey was doing GREAT in school, Kiki her teacher was handmade for teaching Bailey, and is one of the godliest and dearest friends I have, so is Caitlin, I wouldn't have known them had I not sold Jon a car and been set up with him, and Megan had yet another person wrapped around her finger, which is good because there's a box addressed to DC just her size if she steps out of line. She even met a former candidate for governor by running up to Jon while he was chatting with him.  Oh Megan.  We love Jon the elephant, he's a wonderful friend to the Hewitts and NOT just because he buys cars without negotiating!  But I would've never been set up with Jon if... I knew in my head and my heart how sovereign God was.  I had seen time and time and time again how he had just been so faithful to my little family.  But there were still those nights that no matter how much I could see manifesting in my life that proved Romans 8:28, I still just couldn't and that night I didn't just cry.  I cried out to God.  Please give me a real reason why I needed to stay in the Quad Cities because I need it, I shouldn't be here and you know it just as much as I do.  Immediately he put not just my job but my favorite customer on my mind.  Who would sit and have coffee with Fred?  The next day guess who walked in my showroom door.  I went and got him a cup of coffee and we sat.  Who knows what he said I don't, I just sat there in awe of the perks of my calling.  I sell cars, but more importantly I serve people and it ministers to me too!  We aren't all crooks.  Actually this is why I do what I do, the people.  For the Freds.  I sell cars, but I sit and have coffee, I hold the hand of a widow that had to buy a car alone for the first time in many years, I get to hold my customers newborn when they stop in for an oil change.  I literally have the coolest job in the entire world.

So here's my heart and the whole point of this post, ESPECIALLY if you're single, you have a choice Sunday.  You can be bitter and you can sulk.  Or maybe you can reach out to grandma, or grandpa, or anyone from a previous generation that never expected to even go through a day without their love.  Or maybe even you know someone that's gone through a rough divorce and needs encouragment.  We all know someone we can send a card to, take to lunch, or send flowers too.  I know in my church, our widows are AMAZING and many of us can thank them for more than we even realize.  I think frequently of Grace, Peggy, and Barb.  Their faithfulness, their strength, their encouragement, their heart for younger generations.  So I encourage you this Valentine's day, single or not, but especially single, reach out.  Get over yourself, you will NOT regret it, and hopefully the only bitterness in your Valentine's Day comes on February 15th when you buy that dark chocolate and bring it to me at Zimmerman Honda. 

I had one less Valentine to send this year, and it would've been addressed to the gentleman that encouraged me without even knowing it.  He is the guy that prompted this shift in perspective on this day that creates such a good opportunity to just be a blessing.  It's that simple.  Just be a blessing.  Every single cup of coffee, card sent, meal delivered will absolutely be worth it someday.  No regrets.

Down

I still remember the day I was diagnosed.  It was 2012 just a month after my husband moved out.  I was sitting in the specialist's office at the University of Iowa and we were going over all the physical dos and don'ts.  No running, the impact was too much.  Goodbye six minute mile.  No bike riding, too risky.  Use special soap for clothes, and the shower, just in case. The physical therapy, the multiple medications and their side effects....

Then she said something to me that stuck out, "you may experience anxiety and depression as a result of all this."  I immediately responded back, "Oh no, I'm a christian.  I'll be fine." 

Let's fast forward to sitting on the edge of my bath tub almost two years later.  He said something that devastated me.  He didn't even think I was a christian at this point, I know he didn't because a few months earlier I couldn't even pick up my Bible, and his comment was something to the effect of telling me I needed more Jesus and I wouldn't be like this.  That was basically how it all ended for me.  I was so angry when really I had been so naive myself to think that when I was initially diagnosed, so why was I so mad NOW?

I was fine until somewhere around fall of 2013.  I'm not a big fan of crowds anyway, but being in the downtown Rochester library shouldn't be this hard.  After all, most these people I came with.  Oh we're having lunch at what I assume was the hospital, still downtown.  What?  Why?  Great this is how it ends.  So what was the big deal?  Well.  The big deal was a panic attack.  I couldn't get back to the place I was staying fast enough.  I was able to calm myself by sitting on the kitchen floor just breathing.  Then the next day.  I had to leave the house again.  It was thanksgiving and he was ready to go to his church to meet his family, but I was paralyzed in a little girl's room.  I couldn't cry, I couldn't communicate.  Nothing.  I just laid there in the floor.  Finally he was able to help me move enough to get into bed and I don't really remember.  I think I was able to take a nap.   My hair and make up were wrecked.  I looked like crap but I was able to make it and basically got to just hold a baby the whole time, and got to escape the crowded church basement to go check out someones new car and show off my VIN reading skills.  I was able to calm down, but drove home so excited to get back to my small town.  Surely that was only happening because I was out of my element.  It wasn't anything crazy.  Denial is fun.

Then about a month later I drove home back to my safe, familiar small town with something on my left hand.  That's when it got BAD.  I was just going to the bank on my lunch break at work, that's all, but then I turned into oncoming traffic to get off the "busy" road because someone sent me a text.  Oh hello panic attack.  Lovely to see you.  I almost caused an accident, and got honked at, and just had to crank the AC in December and cry until I could calm down.  I couldn't even eat and went back to work a mess. Why did it happen?  I was overwhelmed so so overwhelmed.  It was just the traffic though, or the text message, it's been a busy season I'm still not crazy.  Still denying.

It was shortly after this it became more than just anxiety and "not liking crowds."  I had a hard time even picking up my bible.  If God was so good, why do I literally have everything I ever wanted but I'm like this?  I've never been like this, I've buried my mom, my dad, had a husband leave and I've NEVER been like this before.  Something changed that Christmas, a fog moved in. The depression got so bad that I had a plan and ultimately didn't do it because, "what will people think?  I have it all.  What will people think of him if I do this?" WHY AM I LIKE THIS? I'm a Christian. Something had to give.  This fog was too much. I began to not deny something was wrong, my doctor was right, I did need to watch out for this.

I only share those instances because that's when it was the worst.  Something I've realized in the time since is that when these fogs and moments of anxiety are extra bad, God is up to something.  Let me say that again, EVERY TIME GOD HAS BEEN UP TO SOMETHING.  What matters now is how I react.  Spiritual warfare?  I heard a podcast last year that changed by perspective.  He literally used the fog of depression as an example.  It could easily be spiritual warfare in my life and again, it matters how I react.  Actually changing my perspective is what helped me to suffer less.  I realized after mapping out the times and the worst lows, it was likely totally spiritual warfare.  If God is challenging me and stretching me and moving me into good stuff, then NATURALLY the enemy will do anything to stop it.  I committed to reacting in a healthy manner from then on.  Not in a destructive manner that had the enemy thinking he won.  He won that battle, but not the war.  Oh but, depression doesn't make me less loved.  It isn't something I can will away with a Bible verse, but it is an area where Jesus can heal me.

This Tuesday was hard, the fog moved in.  Literally all of a sudden. I texted my closest friend and asked that she pray with me.  I've learned to maintain a picture of the big picture.  It's just a day, his mercies are new every morning.  So, no I did not beat anxiety and depression this last Tuesday.  But it didn't beat me either.  In these moments I have learned to not be so foolish.  I have learned to accept grace.  I have learned to cling tighter to Jesus because no its not just because "I don't have enough Jesus," but why wouldn't my savior want to take this burden too?  Daily I have to lay it at the feet of the cross.  Sometimes I am VICTORIOUS, sometimes it's just a foggy day and I rest in knowing his mercies are new every morning.  The road to the complete healing I expect is a journey.  I've learned so much and have been stretched so much.  My reaction to these instances is key.  So, maaaaaybe, he was right kind of?  I don't need more of Jesus, because he already gave me everything he had at Calvary, but I do need to cling tighter to Him.

My brothers and sisters, consider yourselves fortunate when all kinds of trials come your way, for you know that when your faith succeeds in facing such trials, the result is the ability to endure.

In the heat of the fire, my endurance is tested and just like those boys from Daniel, I'm not alone in that fire.  It is then that I need to exercise my faith, and endure by clinging to my savior.  The victory has already been won.  But I'm no less valued by my creator or loved ones even on days I don't win the battle.   I now know, after about 3.5 years into this journey that its more important that I finish strong, and I will not allow the enemy anymore territory in my life.  2 years ago, a day like Tuesday would've broken me.  But it didn't because I've committed to keeping perspective.

Sunday Morning Coming Down

Wake up, think to myself about my super fun Saturday night with the gals. "I got to be a Christian, that can have fun out and about and not compromise, oh and be young. I'm basically a baller."  I was also home and in bed by midnight.  BALL-ER.

Hop in the shower, listen to a podcast, Chip is good. He's challenging and based in the Word. Yeah buddy!

I go throw on a basketball tee, cozy scarf, and my slouchy sweater. Oh and my dorky glasses. I am ready for church. Bring it. Oh yeah, messy bun it is.

Ministry time. I get to pray with the man that prayed with my dad when he accepted Jesus as his Savior, and his wife. But this time, we were joined together in prayer believing for a miracle. A miracle that I'm willing to stand in the gap for. I can't wait to hear, "Hey Annie guess what..." Because see, sometimes you stand in the gap for things that matter, people that matter.

"Aww man, Scott's preaching on my jam today!!" Scott preached out of Genesis. My favorite passage, and well duh, I have a thing for Esau. But mostly Genesis 24 and 25 is hitting me HARD so far this year. Good stuff. Solid preaching. Challenging. Don't give up, don't settle for the temporary. God has a plan A, no compromising with a plan B. No back up. Whoo. My own study and my pastor's just collided. Daaaaaang. That's what's up.

Lunch with the fam. "Momma, I better not suck my thumb or Larry might cut it off." Oh yeah Larry was there. We love Larry. Such joy from two little girls, two little girls that have been praying and continue to pray for Larry. Bailey prays, and it's stupid powerful. Don't mess with her. She floors me, I couldn't be prouder of her faith and her intuition. Oh that Bailey.

Chores in the afternoon, oh laundry. Oh but what? Marco Rubio in town? Better make that reservation. But first, two little girls cheer for basketball. Okay, the wrong team. But can you really be mad when they can tell you what's going on in an NBA game? Nuh uh. No way.

MARCO RUBIO!! More excited little girls. Ran into my old boss and his wife. Bailey fell asleep. But woke up on the way home and apparently some of that kick butt rally kicked in because one, she said Marco Rubio would treat our country nice and that he was handsome. Also made a comment about getting really cool shoes, running to DC, and being President when she's big. Guess who's getting shoe game for her birthday? Wait, I don't even have shoe game. Better ask Dolan for help. 

Megan made the news! With piggy! Marco Rubio rally was a success!!

Go home, read, pray, hug and kiss. Get ready for Monday.

I love Sundays so much. They're sacred, and quite honestly I have quite the life.

Best Thing

This holiday season I set forth into a new year, and decided alright.  I love my Lilly Pulitzer but I'll be darned if that planner doesn't own me.  I set forth to be more unplanned and open and instead of a to do list, I was going to make a to BE list.  Be kind, be loving, be open.  So much more attainable. I've got this.  But like most things the Lord puts on my heart, that's not all... It NEVER is.  Ever.

It's not just about what I need to do or what I need to be but where He's leading me.

"One day as Jesus was walking along the shore of the Sea of Galilee, he saw two brothers-- Simon, also called Peter, and Andrew-- throwing a net into the water, for they fished for a living.  Jesus called out to them, "Come, follow me, and I will show you how to fish for people!"  And they left their nets at once and followed him.

A little father up the shore he saw two other brothers, James and John, sitting in a boat with their father, Zebedee, repairing their nets.  And he called them to come, too.  They immediately followed him, leaving the boat and their father behind."

THIS IS WHAT THE GOSPEL REQUIRES SOMETIMES.  We have to leave the familiar and what we dearly love behind.  It's not just about checking off a list but choosing a commitment.  I was so committed to my own father so this hit me hard.  Am I more committed to my comfort zone than I am to my God?

Am I willing to follow where Jesus leads without question? Will I stop whatever I'm doing, my projects, my relationships, my family, my job if it is so required in order to follow where he is leading?  We do secular ministry over here. I have the best job, it's a new job, I just stepped out of my comfort zone, its exciting and challenging!  But I'm not convinced I'm at the Honda dealer for the cars.  I still after a few months cannot see why God led me here, but he has.  We're out of my comfort zone and that's where this new year leaves me.  I've already considered going back when a challenge arose.  I need to invest in Jesus and HIS plan for me, not mine.  Truthfully a challenge isn't a sign to go back but to push forward.  Challenges are confirmation.  I know I'm to be HERE, but I don't know why and that's okay, we don't always have to know why.  Actually a little mystery is nice.  Alright terrifying might be a better term.  But I do know if the disciples can leave EVERYTHING and follow Jesus then I can too.  That's what 27 is about.  Just going and jumping off the deep end and trusting God.  It may not make sense.  It's not going to turn out the way I planned but it WILL turn out.  I need to be generous with my future and invest in the eternal and expect a wild ride.

Maybe BE BRAVE should be number one on my to be list.  The best thing I can do is just trust Jesus and leave the past including my cushy comfort zone behind! Yikes.  

Love Walks In

LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT
A discussion.

I was asked if I believed in it this week and I'd never really thought about it. But since then, all I've really thought about is my stance on this issue. Hard telling why. I'd gone a lifetime not really thinking about it and not really caring. I know God's timing is perfect so that might be believing in meant to be but I can't say yay or nay on love at first sight.

I still can't for sure. Because the cynic in me says that's a line. Males use it when meeting pretty females for the first time to make them think... I don't know really. I also can't tell you why guys use lines. Do they work? Eh, yes probably.

So... Love at first sight. My first thought was simply what I stated earlier. I've never thought much about it. On second thought I realized it HAD happened to me. 

I knew from the moment I laid eyes on it at Courtesy it was meant to be in my garage.  I had fallen in love. The lucky recipient? What would become MY VERY OWN, 2007 Jeep Compass. Red of course. It was the same feeling I had with my Red Saturn, and Blue Saturn, and Caviler... Etc, etc. At first glance, I knew they were meant to be mine.

I'm not being smart here either. There's a certain pride, and well love that I have for automobiles. 

The other times I've experienced love at first sight? Well, I'm a mom so my kids? Actually no. 

At first glance I became aware of the task at hand. I'm a very task oriented person. So I saw the responsibility to raise a good person. Did I love them, sure. But again. I was consumed by caring for them. Keeping them happy, and clean, and fed. Love grew.

The two situations I've just described are two different "loves." I may have fallen in love at first sight with my cars, and I still do love them, but I traded them. They're just things and I know that. (that being said, I love my Jeeps.....SO MUCH) I loved them immensely at first but, it faded I guess otherwise I couldn't have traded them.

With the love that grew, Megan and Bailey. 
I love them. It wasn't "love at first sight," but it's a love that's grown. I love them both more now than the day they were born. I've gotten to know them, their little personalities, their likes and dislikes and I do things that they like just because they like them, not always because I like them. 

As I sit here thinking about the comparison I just made, I guess I don't believe in "love at first sight." I guess for me, love is worth more if it's grown, cultivated, and invested into. Not something that just exists. Love is work and it takes time. I don't believe you can know in an instant.

But, can you? Now I've begun thinking about the first time I met important people in my life. I won't say it was "love at first sight," but there was an element of instantly being aware of....something. 

The second time? Hold on, I'm counting backwards here.
The second time I instantly knew anything was the night I was introduced to someone who became a very good friend. In that instance I remember thinking, they'll be important. I just didn't know how. They were important, we became friends and still are. We've had our ups and downs, but I can say that little hunch at first glance was right. 

Okay. Now the first time.
I walked into one of my classes and I just remember thinking, "Huh...I wouldn't mind if he asked me out on a date." I never did anything about it. If I remember correctly it was second semester of freshman year, so it was right after I met the first Joe and that preoccupied me for that entire semester. I guess I missed an opportunity. But then after high school we actually ended up going on a couple dates or so. He was someone when I look back I can say, "He was nice. I'm actually better for that." It just didn't work out which later I would realize was the story of my life. :)

Makes me think, maybe back then if I would've given "love at first sight" a chance, maybe things would've turned out differently. Because ultimately I married a guy that the first time I saw him I thought, "Wow, those are some awful pants.... And he's weird." 

So......the jury's still out on whether or not I believe in love at first sight. Maybe for some people.

All I know is that I do believe in things that take time, they tend to last. You go about things slowly and take your time learning things about the other person. You INVEST and I like the idea of that. I like investing in other people.

But then again, I could be wrong. I have an appointment with a divorce attorney on Tuesday. I obviously know nothing.

That's life. 

Your Mother Should Know

New annoying mom chain status update going around on facebook.  What else is there to do other than dissect it?  I know right, I couldn't think of anything either.

Here it is as seen on facebook:  "JUST A MOM????.....  I can't stand it when people say, "Your JUST a mom?" Yes, I am a Mom!  That makes me an alarm clock, cook, maid, waitress, teacher, nurse, referee, handyman, security officer, photographer, counselor, chauffeur, event planner, Hairdresser, personal assistant, ATM & I scare away the boogie man.  Id don't get paid holidays, sick pay or days off.  I work through the DAY & NIGHT.  I am on call 24/7 for the rest of my life.  And that's just with BEING A MOM.. !! I may not be anything to you but I am everything to someone!!  Re post if your a proud mom, that would do ANYTHING on this planet for their child <3 !"

First off, dear Jesus remove teacher.  Your?  You meant you're.  Dear whoever originally wrote this, I want a red pen so badly right now...  But, I digress. 

In reality if you aren't a stay at home mom you have NEVER been called "just a mom."  You have a work title, or career and people respect that.  If you work or go to school no one's calling you "just a mom."  That's coming from someone who was a stay at home mom.  I was guilty of saying that I was "just a mom."  Because I was.  I didn't need to remind people to pat me on the back for doing what was expected.  Everyone knows it's not like we're sitting around eating bon-bons all day, and if you are, you're probably the mom that is constantly reminding people you aren't "just a mom."  Soapbox over, now begins the fun part of dissecting the heck out of this thing:

An alarm clock... Yeah, I guess.  But I mean, I'm not so sure I want to refer to myself as an appliance.  I make sure my kids are where they need to be when they need to be there.  It's part of the job, no need for a special title like alarm clock.  Fancy pants.

Cook... You aren't a cook because you're a mom, you're a cook because you're a woman.  Now, get back in the kitchen. I kid, I kid.  And come on, mom or not you're going to be cooking.  How else are you planning on eating?

Maid... Ditto.

Waitress... That ties in with cooking.  It's not like you're going to have your toddler dishing out their own food when it's hot on the stove.  Don't be dumb.  Cook/waitress SAME STINKING THING in the mom world.

Teacher... I've already addressed this.  PLEASE GOD ORIGINAL WRITER OF THIS POST, TEACH YOUR CHILD NOTHING.  But also, I mean, I've never really gone out of my way to teach the girls anything.  We count the stairs as we walk up them and sing our ABC's but I'm not going out of my way at all to do it.  It's just guided play at this point.  And later... more like tutor.  I'll be paying a teacher to teach them.  Someone educated to do so. 
*This does not apply if you home school, obviously you make lesson plans that are above and beyond normal mom stuff*

Nurse... So you apply band aids and take care of your child when they're sick.  Expected.  And furthermore, go ahead and say you're a nurse because you're a mom to a nursing student.  Let me be there to watch.  Please.

Referee... Eh, let 'em fight to the death.  They'll learn.  Just kidding.  I've actually got nothing on this one, my kids get along pretty well.

Handyman... Only if your husband isn't one.  And I mean that's more of a home owner title.  Anything I've fixed around the house has nothing to do with my parenting. 

Security officer... You lock that door! Like a boss.

Photographer... Because taking pictures of my super adorable children is such hard work!  I can't see how people enjoy this.  Sarcasm. 

Counselor... Okay true story.  Mom's are the best for this.

Chauffeur... I'm not wearing a black coat.  They're tagging along with me! Let's hit the town little kids.

Event Planner... Sure, once a year when birthdays come around.  Otherwise you schedule.  Again, part of the mom handbook.  It's what we do, no special title please.

Hairdresser... Ponytails are pretty hard, and applying bows, and again, totally NOT fun work!  :)

Personal Assistant... Who's your kid?  Donald Trump?!  Yes, you assist them in some of their activities but, that's just being a mom.  No special titles please.

ATM... Uh, not spelled correctly.  It's spelled, D-A-D-D-Y.  Get it right. ;)
I might provide anything they need, their dad and I do, but the day those little kids start treating me like an ATM... Lord help those entitled little brats and shame on me for letting them get that way.  If I provide basic needs, you help out around the house and earn your fun, and if you earn it and are grateful you aren't treating me like an ATM.  Case closed.

Oh yeah, that boogie man BETTER watch out, I'll take him down.  If Daddy's not around, because it's totally a Daddy job.

I work through the day and night...  I don't know about you, but I do sleep, a little.  And take a wine-Kate C. break at nap time. 

I'm on call 24/7 for the rest of my life... I have daughters, when they say, "I do," TAG! I'm out! Welcome to the family son-in-law.  I am now available if needed but I wouldn't go so far as to say on-call 24/7.  That's him now.

RE POST IF YOU'RE PROUD TO SAY YOU'RE JUST A MOM. Period.

I'll Never Fall in Love Again

63 years ago today Tom Hammock borrowed $5 to marry Ezell Franks, and they lived happily ever after.

Happy anniversary to my parents! This is like the only significant date that's turned out to be happier since Pop passsed away.  Care to know why?  He missed her.  Big revelation there.

You know he could tell you down to the minute almost how long they'd been married.  But he was counting all wrong.  I saw that marriage in the post Ezell years and, boy he counted like he stopped being married on October 20, 1998.  He didn't.  He turned trampy neighbors down (Now, I know my dad was a stud, but GROSS, and a quick soapbox... don't you DARE come to his visitation and talk to me like I didn't know what you were really trying to do.  I've been holding that in for 10 months now, man that felt good.), he turned dating services down (they started calling immediately I swear it was weird), he told Momo, "no!" when she suggested that after she pass away he try to take so-and-so out.  She had our best interests in mind, she was just on narcotics.  What the heck Mom!?  Anyway, that man was just as married and devoted to my mom the day he died as the day he married her.  I was telling someone about that this summer and he said, "that's how it's going to be when I get married."  I have 545848742 reasons to believe he was lying, but... I don't.  I don't because people want they had.  I want what they had. 

Now I know that people call it old fashioned and go further to say I was watching an outdated model and didn't know how to be married.  Screw them.  If it worked it was a good model and YES I expect the boy to hang stuff up and fix little things around the house.  I'll help but that's primarly his area.  I didn't ask for much help cooking and cleaning.  And that's true I really didn't, it wasn't until two kids did I start asking for help with the bathroom once in a while because I just didn't get a chance.  And I suck at laundry.  Now that I'm in school I know I don't take on as much responsiblity as I should around here.  I'm lucky to get groceries bought and dinner cooked and the house straightened let alone actually cleaned, so I don't clean floors or do laundry, those are his feminine jobs.  But then again who was pregnant and shoveling our driveway and painting our house? Right I did some things he should've been responsible for back in the day.  See that's important.  You have seperate areas of expertise but you still help the other one.  I saw that living with the Hammocks.  Pop got the snowblower out and Momo and I got our shovels and did the porches and walkways.  We helped him.  Momo and I pretty much rocked the housecleaning while Pop was at work, we had time.  But at the end of every day Momo washed the dishes, I dried them, and Pop put them away.  Seperate, but overlapping roles.  And again SCREW YOU if you think their model of marriage is what f*cked mine. 

Was is perfect?  I slept between them when I was little, guess what wasn't happening.  That probably wasn't healthy.  But Pop sure as heck didn't go anywhere else or make Momo feel like some kind of freak.  She just wasn't an overly affectionate person, or as I'd like to call it, she was classy.  And let's be real, they were old.  So maybe that's the area people are referring to when they like to blame their marriage for the failing of mine.  I can see their point, kind of.  Anyone ever thought maybe Momo and I were just very similar in that whole area?  No I sure did not kiss at my wedding, I'm not about to kiss someone with a whole room of people watching, plus we were in church.  Gross.  Doesn't mean I'm not okay with it in private.  And  note please, two kids in two years?  Umm... I don't know about you but I'd rather do it the old fashioned way instead of invitro.  Way cheaper.  Now, I'm not going to make this blog gross, all I'm saying is there are reasons.  Megan and her freaking huge head did a number on me.  It was almost 2 years until I was back to normal.  In those 2 years Sarah was already normal I guess, and Amber, and whoever else.  Whatever, that was just my little defense.  Because let me tell you, it's incredibly hurtful to hear that people close to you told your husband when news became public he cheated that "what you did wasn't right but we can see why you did it" and "we were just surprised it took you so long." I should punch those fools.  Anyway, that's all I'm saying about that.  Don't need too many agreeing on how awful I am.

The moral of the story here is that I was lucky enough to observe a wonderful marriage.  They went through hell together.  Momo wanted so badly to just spend time with my mom and my grandma when I was a kid.  She loved them.  But they didn't really come around until she got sick and that hurt her.  They both had to bury their son, the child that honestly they had the best relationship with.  Not trying to be mean but it's true.  He came around and loved Momo probably even more than I do.  Losing him was hard on them.  They worked hard for everything they had.  Then finally when Momo retired they were going to get to enjoy life.  But that wasn't the case either.  Here I came.  And five years later, a "disability" and then cancer a year after that, and then Mom passed away in 98, only 8 years after she'd retired.  But I'm so greatful they raised me and took on that burden and I'm so greatful Pop kept raising me after she died.  They really were the best parents anyone could ask for and they had a fantastic marriage.  There was only one time Momo told Pop she'd leave.  Pop told me that was when my mom was living there, I don't know if that was when I was a kid or a baby, but anyway they had clashing personalities we'll call it and Momo finally told Pop it was her or Dawn.  Pop made the right choice, Momo was his number one priority.  When Pop told me this I was a little shocked.  But I'm glad he shared stuff like that with me eventually, it made me feel like less of a freak.  See Momo and I we have quite a few similarities and well that explains why my bio mom and I clash so much.  He even said I was more like Momo and Garry that I was my bio mom and grandma.  I only got 9 years with Momo but I can't help but think he knew what he was talking about.  I just wish I could be as awesome as she was. 

Really though, I've been all over the place with this post.  A little crazy, I'm heavily medicated still so forgive me.  But here's what I think made their marriage work:

They had a godly marriage.  And they laughed.  That seems to be the key.

I never had any of those things, so if you'd like to point to reasons as to why mine didn't work, I tend to take things a little too seriously and it just never really was a godly marriage.  It wasn't the example my parents set.

One more thing, my dad's last smile?  When the nurse told him the morning of March 3 he was going to see his wife later. 

I love him so much. I'm almost 23 years old and I still want to marry my daddy.