Down

I still remember the day I was diagnosed.  It was 2012 just a month after my husband moved out.  I was sitting in the specialist's office at the University of Iowa and we were going over all the physical dos and don'ts.  No running, the impact was too much.  Goodbye six minute mile.  No bike riding, too risky.  Use special soap for clothes, and the shower, just in case. The physical therapy, the multiple medications and their side effects....

Then she said something to me that stuck out, "you may experience anxiety and depression as a result of all this."  I immediately responded back, "Oh no, I'm a christian.  I'll be fine." 

Let's fast forward to sitting on the edge of my bath tub almost two years later.  He said something that devastated me.  He didn't even think I was a christian at this point, I know he didn't because a few months earlier I couldn't even pick up my Bible, and his comment was something to the effect of telling me I needed more Jesus and I wouldn't be like this.  That was basically how it all ended for me.  I was so angry when really I had been so naive myself to think that when I was initially diagnosed, so why was I so mad NOW?

I was fine until somewhere around fall of 2013.  I'm not a big fan of crowds anyway, but being in the downtown Rochester library shouldn't be this hard.  After all, most these people I came with.  Oh we're having lunch at what I assume was the hospital, still downtown.  What?  Why?  Great this is how it ends.  So what was the big deal?  Well.  The big deal was a panic attack.  I couldn't get back to the place I was staying fast enough.  I was able to calm myself by sitting on the kitchen floor just breathing.  Then the next day.  I had to leave the house again.  It was thanksgiving and he was ready to go to his church to meet his family, but I was paralyzed in a little girl's room.  I couldn't cry, I couldn't communicate.  Nothing.  I just laid there in the floor.  Finally he was able to help me move enough to get into bed and I don't really remember.  I think I was able to take a nap.   My hair and make up were wrecked.  I looked like crap but I was able to make it and basically got to just hold a baby the whole time, and got to escape the crowded church basement to go check out someones new car and show off my VIN reading skills.  I was able to calm down, but drove home so excited to get back to my small town.  Surely that was only happening because I was out of my element.  It wasn't anything crazy.  Denial is fun.

Then about a month later I drove home back to my safe, familiar small town with something on my left hand.  That's when it got BAD.  I was just going to the bank on my lunch break at work, that's all, but then I turned into oncoming traffic to get off the "busy" road because someone sent me a text.  Oh hello panic attack.  Lovely to see you.  I almost caused an accident, and got honked at, and just had to crank the AC in December and cry until I could calm down.  I couldn't even eat and went back to work a mess. Why did it happen?  I was overwhelmed so so overwhelmed.  It was just the traffic though, or the text message, it's been a busy season I'm still not crazy.  Still denying.

It was shortly after this it became more than just anxiety and "not liking crowds."  I had a hard time even picking up my bible.  If God was so good, why do I literally have everything I ever wanted but I'm like this?  I've never been like this, I've buried my mom, my dad, had a husband leave and I've NEVER been like this before.  Something changed that Christmas, a fog moved in. The depression got so bad that I had a plan and ultimately didn't do it because, "what will people think?  I have it all.  What will people think of him if I do this?" WHY AM I LIKE THIS? I'm a Christian. Something had to give.  This fog was too much. I began to not deny something was wrong, my doctor was right, I did need to watch out for this.

I only share those instances because that's when it was the worst.  Something I've realized in the time since is that when these fogs and moments of anxiety are extra bad, God is up to something.  Let me say that again, EVERY TIME GOD HAS BEEN UP TO SOMETHING.  What matters now is how I react.  Spiritual warfare?  I heard a podcast last year that changed by perspective.  He literally used the fog of depression as an example.  It could easily be spiritual warfare in my life and again, it matters how I react.  Actually changing my perspective is what helped me to suffer less.  I realized after mapping out the times and the worst lows, it was likely totally spiritual warfare.  If God is challenging me and stretching me and moving me into good stuff, then NATURALLY the enemy will do anything to stop it.  I committed to reacting in a healthy manner from then on.  Not in a destructive manner that had the enemy thinking he won.  He won that battle, but not the war.  Oh but, depression doesn't make me less loved.  It isn't something I can will away with a Bible verse, but it is an area where Jesus can heal me.

This Tuesday was hard, the fog moved in.  Literally all of a sudden. I texted my closest friend and asked that she pray with me.  I've learned to maintain a picture of the big picture.  It's just a day, his mercies are new every morning.  So, no I did not beat anxiety and depression this last Tuesday.  But it didn't beat me either.  In these moments I have learned to not be so foolish.  I have learned to accept grace.  I have learned to cling tighter to Jesus because no its not just because "I don't have enough Jesus," but why wouldn't my savior want to take this burden too?  Daily I have to lay it at the feet of the cross.  Sometimes I am VICTORIOUS, sometimes it's just a foggy day and I rest in knowing his mercies are new every morning.  The road to the complete healing I expect is a journey.  I've learned so much and have been stretched so much.  My reaction to these instances is key.  So, maaaaaybe, he was right kind of?  I don't need more of Jesus, because he already gave me everything he had at Calvary, but I do need to cling tighter to Him.

My brothers and sisters, consider yourselves fortunate when all kinds of trials come your way, for you know that when your faith succeeds in facing such trials, the result is the ability to endure.

In the heat of the fire, my endurance is tested and just like those boys from Daniel, I'm not alone in that fire.  It is then that I need to exercise my faith, and endure by clinging to my savior.  The victory has already been won.  But I'm no less valued by my creator or loved ones even on days I don't win the battle.   I now know, after about 3.5 years into this journey that its more important that I finish strong, and I will not allow the enemy anymore territory in my life.  2 years ago, a day like Tuesday would've broken me.  But it didn't because I've committed to keeping perspective.