Cover Me

I LOVE VALENTINE'S DAY!! Way too much for a single lady.  But man I love it, I was gathering my cards and addressing them the other morning and did a quick check of the paper for one customer.  I had done the same thing around Christmastime, because I'd gotten really lax with checking the paper everyday.  I knew this day was going to come, I knew when his daughter told me a different story than he did when she returned my Tupperware, but you hope and you pray but the inevitable will happen.  With that I began thinking back over my time getting to serve him as his "sales lady Angie," and aside from daughter and mom, it's my favorite title so far.

"So encourage each other and build each other up...." I Thessalonians 5:11

I first met Fred in 2013.  I sold him, okay he knew the owner, I showed him how to operate his 2013 Equinox and did some paperwork.  He'd come in from time to time to get a quick lesson, or when the time changed, or for whatever else he needed.  His trips became more frequent after his wife passed away.  I got to be the jerk that asked January of 2014 if he and his wife had a good holiday.  I felt like an idiot.  But Fred kept stopping by, after the Y, or getting groceries.  We'd chat.  He told me Pastor Hollis once did a conference for John Deere in LAS VEGAS.  A detail my parents left out.  They were all shocked he'd even go to Las Vegas and I almost called Fred a liar.  He'd talk about getting to go to a high school reunion, he brought his friend one time.  He sent his other friends too.   He stopped in for a cup of coffee and I sat down with him each time. Sometimes I got funny looks from sales managers, but those changed after the first few times.  They also never came from the ones that mattered, those guys would smile and walk by.  I always said if I was too busy to sit down with Fred and have a cup of coffee I was too busy.  One thing is for sure, Dean could tell me my buddy was there, and I lit up and dropped what I was doing every time.  

Last Valentine's Day I had a decision to make, it would have been my first Valentine's Day remarried, it was not.  I could be bitter.  That was definitely a choice I could've made.  I'm so thankful I didn't.  I got up that morning and I needed a screwdriver so I finally unwrapped one that was in my desk since Christmas of the previous year.  One car sold, then another, then another.  First hat trick.  It's where my lucky screwdriver and I first began.  He's a gem and likely the one.  After work I had to run by and stick a Valentine under someone's windshield wiper before I went home to third wheel my roommates Valentine's Day dinner and then ultimately settle in to watch some NASCAR.  I felt like such a rebel sneaking around a retirement home parking lot so I could bless someone.  By far the greatest Valentine's Day I'll ever experience.  I got to do what I love, and serve someone other than myself.  Then on Monday I was sitting in my office and got a call from Fred.  I won't ever forget it.  I mean I've forgotten what he said but not his tone.   His voice oozed with joy as he thanked me.  It was by far the coolest thing I had ever done for another human being.  And really, it's nothing compared to what I've received from Fred.

Fred had a unique way of walking in for coffee right when I needed the encouragement.  He and the Holy Spirit were apparently pretty chummy.  I'll never forget this one night, there were many, but this one.  It was after this super victorious Valentine's Day even but there I was wide awake in the middle of the night just sobbing.  I knew God was sovereign, I knew he kept us here for the stellar year we experienced, Bailey was doing GREAT in school, Kiki her teacher was handmade for teaching Bailey, and is one of the godliest and dearest friends I have, so is Caitlin, I wouldn't have known them had I not sold Jon a car and been set up with him, and Megan had yet another person wrapped around her finger, which is good because there's a box addressed to DC just her size if she steps out of line. She even met a former candidate for governor by running up to Jon while he was chatting with him.  Oh Megan.  We love Jon the elephant, he's a wonderful friend to the Hewitts and NOT just because he buys cars without negotiating!  But I would've never been set up with Jon if... I knew in my head and my heart how sovereign God was.  I had seen time and time and time again how he had just been so faithful to my little family.  But there were still those nights that no matter how much I could see manifesting in my life that proved Romans 8:28, I still just couldn't and that night I didn't just cry.  I cried out to God.  Please give me a real reason why I needed to stay in the Quad Cities because I need it, I shouldn't be here and you know it just as much as I do.  Immediately he put not just my job but my favorite customer on my mind.  Who would sit and have coffee with Fred?  The next day guess who walked in my showroom door.  I went and got him a cup of coffee and we sat.  Who knows what he said I don't, I just sat there in awe of the perks of my calling.  I sell cars, but more importantly I serve people and it ministers to me too!  We aren't all crooks.  Actually this is why I do what I do, the people.  For the Freds.  I sell cars, but I sit and have coffee, I hold the hand of a widow that had to buy a car alone for the first time in many years, I get to hold my customers newborn when they stop in for an oil change.  I literally have the coolest job in the entire world.

So here's my heart and the whole point of this post, ESPECIALLY if you're single, you have a choice Sunday.  You can be bitter and you can sulk.  Or maybe you can reach out to grandma, or grandpa, or anyone from a previous generation that never expected to even go through a day without their love.  Or maybe even you know someone that's gone through a rough divorce and needs encouragment.  We all know someone we can send a card to, take to lunch, or send flowers too.  I know in my church, our widows are AMAZING and many of us can thank them for more than we even realize.  I think frequently of Grace, Peggy, and Barb.  Their faithfulness, their strength, their encouragement, their heart for younger generations.  So I encourage you this Valentine's day, single or not, but especially single, reach out.  Get over yourself, you will NOT regret it, and hopefully the only bitterness in your Valentine's Day comes on February 15th when you buy that dark chocolate and bring it to me at Zimmerman Honda. 

I had one less Valentine to send this year, and it would've been addressed to the gentleman that encouraged me without even knowing it.  He is the guy that prompted this shift in perspective on this day that creates such a good opportunity to just be a blessing.  It's that simple.  Just be a blessing.  Every single cup of coffee, card sent, meal delivered will absolutely be worth it someday.  No regrets.

Down

I still remember the day I was diagnosed.  It was 2012 just a month after my husband moved out.  I was sitting in the specialist's office at the University of Iowa and we were going over all the physical dos and don'ts.  No running, the impact was too much.  Goodbye six minute mile.  No bike riding, too risky.  Use special soap for clothes, and the shower, just in case. The physical therapy, the multiple medications and their side effects....

Then she said something to me that stuck out, "you may experience anxiety and depression as a result of all this."  I immediately responded back, "Oh no, I'm a christian.  I'll be fine." 

Let's fast forward to sitting on the edge of my bath tub almost two years later.  He said something that devastated me.  He didn't even think I was a christian at this point, I know he didn't because a few months earlier I couldn't even pick up my Bible, and his comment was something to the effect of telling me I needed more Jesus and I wouldn't be like this.  That was basically how it all ended for me.  I was so angry when really I had been so naive myself to think that when I was initially diagnosed, so why was I so mad NOW?

I was fine until somewhere around fall of 2013.  I'm not a big fan of crowds anyway, but being in the downtown Rochester library shouldn't be this hard.  After all, most these people I came with.  Oh we're having lunch at what I assume was the hospital, still downtown.  What?  Why?  Great this is how it ends.  So what was the big deal?  Well.  The big deal was a panic attack.  I couldn't get back to the place I was staying fast enough.  I was able to calm myself by sitting on the kitchen floor just breathing.  Then the next day.  I had to leave the house again.  It was thanksgiving and he was ready to go to his church to meet his family, but I was paralyzed in a little girl's room.  I couldn't cry, I couldn't communicate.  Nothing.  I just laid there in the floor.  Finally he was able to help me move enough to get into bed and I don't really remember.  I think I was able to take a nap.   My hair and make up were wrecked.  I looked like crap but I was able to make it and basically got to just hold a baby the whole time, and got to escape the crowded church basement to go check out someones new car and show off my VIN reading skills.  I was able to calm down, but drove home so excited to get back to my small town.  Surely that was only happening because I was out of my element.  It wasn't anything crazy.  Denial is fun.

Then about a month later I drove home back to my safe, familiar small town with something on my left hand.  That's when it got BAD.  I was just going to the bank on my lunch break at work, that's all, but then I turned into oncoming traffic to get off the "busy" road because someone sent me a text.  Oh hello panic attack.  Lovely to see you.  I almost caused an accident, and got honked at, and just had to crank the AC in December and cry until I could calm down.  I couldn't even eat and went back to work a mess. Why did it happen?  I was overwhelmed so so overwhelmed.  It was just the traffic though, or the text message, it's been a busy season I'm still not crazy.  Still denying.

It was shortly after this it became more than just anxiety and "not liking crowds."  I had a hard time even picking up my bible.  If God was so good, why do I literally have everything I ever wanted but I'm like this?  I've never been like this, I've buried my mom, my dad, had a husband leave and I've NEVER been like this before.  Something changed that Christmas, a fog moved in. The depression got so bad that I had a plan and ultimately didn't do it because, "what will people think?  I have it all.  What will people think of him if I do this?" WHY AM I LIKE THIS? I'm a Christian. Something had to give.  This fog was too much. I began to not deny something was wrong, my doctor was right, I did need to watch out for this.

I only share those instances because that's when it was the worst.  Something I've realized in the time since is that when these fogs and moments of anxiety are extra bad, God is up to something.  Let me say that again, EVERY TIME GOD HAS BEEN UP TO SOMETHING.  What matters now is how I react.  Spiritual warfare?  I heard a podcast last year that changed by perspective.  He literally used the fog of depression as an example.  It could easily be spiritual warfare in my life and again, it matters how I react.  Actually changing my perspective is what helped me to suffer less.  I realized after mapping out the times and the worst lows, it was likely totally spiritual warfare.  If God is challenging me and stretching me and moving me into good stuff, then NATURALLY the enemy will do anything to stop it.  I committed to reacting in a healthy manner from then on.  Not in a destructive manner that had the enemy thinking he won.  He won that battle, but not the war.  Oh but, depression doesn't make me less loved.  It isn't something I can will away with a Bible verse, but it is an area where Jesus can heal me.

This Tuesday was hard, the fog moved in.  Literally all of a sudden. I texted my closest friend and asked that she pray with me.  I've learned to maintain a picture of the big picture.  It's just a day, his mercies are new every morning.  So, no I did not beat anxiety and depression this last Tuesday.  But it didn't beat me either.  In these moments I have learned to not be so foolish.  I have learned to accept grace.  I have learned to cling tighter to Jesus because no its not just because "I don't have enough Jesus," but why wouldn't my savior want to take this burden too?  Daily I have to lay it at the feet of the cross.  Sometimes I am VICTORIOUS, sometimes it's just a foggy day and I rest in knowing his mercies are new every morning.  The road to the complete healing I expect is a journey.  I've learned so much and have been stretched so much.  My reaction to these instances is key.  So, maaaaaybe, he was right kind of?  I don't need more of Jesus, because he already gave me everything he had at Calvary, but I do need to cling tighter to Him.

My brothers and sisters, consider yourselves fortunate when all kinds of trials come your way, for you know that when your faith succeeds in facing such trials, the result is the ability to endure.

In the heat of the fire, my endurance is tested and just like those boys from Daniel, I'm not alone in that fire.  It is then that I need to exercise my faith, and endure by clinging to my savior.  The victory has already been won.  But I'm no less valued by my creator or loved ones even on days I don't win the battle.   I now know, after about 3.5 years into this journey that its more important that I finish strong, and I will not allow the enemy anymore territory in my life.  2 years ago, a day like Tuesday would've broken me.  But it didn't because I've committed to keeping perspective.

Sunday Morning Coming Down

Wake up, think to myself about my super fun Saturday night with the gals. "I got to be a Christian, that can have fun out and about and not compromise, oh and be young. I'm basically a baller."  I was also home and in bed by midnight.  BALL-ER.

Hop in the shower, listen to a podcast, Chip is good. He's challenging and based in the Word. Yeah buddy!

I go throw on a basketball tee, cozy scarf, and my slouchy sweater. Oh and my dorky glasses. I am ready for church. Bring it. Oh yeah, messy bun it is.

Ministry time. I get to pray with the man that prayed with my dad when he accepted Jesus as his Savior, and his wife. But this time, we were joined together in prayer believing for a miracle. A miracle that I'm willing to stand in the gap for. I can't wait to hear, "Hey Annie guess what..." Because see, sometimes you stand in the gap for things that matter, people that matter.

"Aww man, Scott's preaching on my jam today!!" Scott preached out of Genesis. My favorite passage, and well duh, I have a thing for Esau. But mostly Genesis 24 and 25 is hitting me HARD so far this year. Good stuff. Solid preaching. Challenging. Don't give up, don't settle for the temporary. God has a plan A, no compromising with a plan B. No back up. Whoo. My own study and my pastor's just collided. Daaaaaang. That's what's up.

Lunch with the fam. "Momma, I better not suck my thumb or Larry might cut it off." Oh yeah Larry was there. We love Larry. Such joy from two little girls, two little girls that have been praying and continue to pray for Larry. Bailey prays, and it's stupid powerful. Don't mess with her. She floors me, I couldn't be prouder of her faith and her intuition. Oh that Bailey.

Chores in the afternoon, oh laundry. Oh but what? Marco Rubio in town? Better make that reservation. But first, two little girls cheer for basketball. Okay, the wrong team. But can you really be mad when they can tell you what's going on in an NBA game? Nuh uh. No way.

MARCO RUBIO!! More excited little girls. Ran into my old boss and his wife. Bailey fell asleep. But woke up on the way home and apparently some of that kick butt rally kicked in because one, she said Marco Rubio would treat our country nice and that he was handsome. Also made a comment about getting really cool shoes, running to DC, and being President when she's big. Guess who's getting shoe game for her birthday? Wait, I don't even have shoe game. Better ask Dolan for help. 

Megan made the news! With piggy! Marco Rubio rally was a success!!

Go home, read, pray, hug and kiss. Get ready for Monday.

I love Sundays so much. They're sacred, and quite honestly I have quite the life.